31 things I’ve learnt in America

I celebrated my 31st birthday this week. The actual day was spent hiking up the Angel’s Landing trail in Zion National Park. The rest of the week has been spent amongst the excess and sex that is Vegas. From the sublime to the ridiculous pretty much sums it up.

Iron like a lion in Zion

The Strip. Aptly named really.

Al and I are now three weeks into our United States of Awesome adventure and, as a birthday post, here are some of the odd and wonderful things I’ve observed in this land of America.

1. Bigger is better (for sugar diabetes). From soft drinks to coffee, there is no “small” – only regular, which starts at 500ml.
2. Washing powder is called “laundry detergent”.
3. Being in a wheelchair doesn’t mean you’re disabled. Sadly for the genuinely disabled, many Americans use wheelchairs because they’re too lazy or too fat (or both).
4. People will look at you quizzically if you say “cheers” instead of “goodbye”.
5. Bad service is when the waitress doesn’t smile for a few seconds while serving you.
6. Rewards cards are genuinely and instantly rewarding with discounts of 50-70%.
7. Coca-Cola is made with high fructose corn syrup in the US. It tastes disgusting.
8. Hershey’s is the only mass-produced milk chocolate bar worth eating.
9. People you’ve just met will invite you to their boat / house / houseboat and genuinely mean it.
10. Air-conditioning is responsible for whole populations. Before it was invented, nobody would have lived in Nevada.
11. Americans think South Africans sound like Europeans / English / Australians / South Americans – anything but South African.
12. It is possible to walk around a city at night without clutching your handbag.
13. When an American says “unsightly parking lot”, they mean there are two pieces of litter and a homeless guy in it.
14. People drive badly here too. There are less fatalities because the roads are well-maintained (attention Joburg Roads Agency).
15. A giant hole in a road can be fixed within four hours (attention Joburg Roads Agency).
16. Traffic lights can work in hurricanes (attention Joburg Roads Agency).
17. It is possible for public transport to be cheap, clean and safe (attention SA Dept of Transport).
18. You do not have to be a patronising nanny state to be a successful state (attention SA Dept of Health).
19. Ambulance chasers make the funniest TV adverts – from rapping lawyers to dancing clients, I’ve seen it all now.
20. Even in LA, people still leave house keys under the mat.
21. Certain Americans think they are very hard done by and their president sucks. I offered to swap.
22. Tolerance and intelligent political debate is possible. Obama was depicted as a gay man in Newsweek and members of his party didn’t deface the magazine cover.
23. South Africa’s societal distortions and institutional corruption looks worse from afar.
24. The Americans we met who have been to SA think it’s amazing and watch for news about us.
25. Elon Musk may not be a hero in SA, but he certainly is here.
26. America is surprisingly beautiful. Seriously, the national parks are heart-achingly spectacular. They are also guarded like national treasures.
27. Comparative advertising is amusingly awful. The same goes for pharmaceutical advertising – “Warning: Prozera may cause blindness, incontinence, rabies, swelling, etc.”
28. American football is mind-numbingly boring. Basketball is rad though.
29. Soldiers returning home get to board planes first. They’re also welcomed by the pilot and everybody claps.
30. No country is as proud of their national flag as America – it is everywhere.
31. Despite everything, there’s still no place like home.